Unarmed

When I was very young my family went to "Platt National Park" for a family reunion. I remember almost nothing about the trip except that it was a day when I almost died.
Platt National Park is now called Chickasaw National Recreation area and it is a wonderful place to camp and swim in the freezing cold spring water. One swimming hole there stands out above all the rest as a destination for families to escape the summer heat...Little Niagara.
Little Niagara is close to the nature center at the park and features a 6 foot waterfall that empties into a small pool. On this particular day I remember watching as all of the older kids would creep out to the middle of the Falls, motion for their families to watch and then jump into the water. Each time someone went in they would yell when they surfaced because of the cold. I had already paddled around the shallow end of the pool, but now I was focused on the falls. To be able to defy gravity for a short period of time was something I longed to try.
I pulled my pale, almost blue, shivering body out of the shallow end and waltzed toward the falls. I had no plan. I was just getting closer to the action.
A few feet from the falls I noticed that the bank was steep and rocky, and there was a single tree growing from the steep ground close to the water. Many older people were sitting in lawn chairs a few feet from the tree. Occasionally one of the adults sitting there would applaud the teenagers as they grew more and more daring leaping into the pool with twists and somersaults and dives. I was fascinated.
Then I noticed that by the tree was a submerged shelf just under the water. That would be a great observation post. I crawled down the bank and began to re accustom myself to the cold water.
I realized that the shelf was a bit deeper in the water than I thought. Once my feet were resting on it my head was barely above the water. Looking up the bank I could barely see the adults sitting in their lawn chairs watching, smiling, talking.
Suddenly, a huge splash sent a wave of water over my head. I struggled to maintain my balance and felt my feet slip from the shelf. Now I was in over my head and I couldn't swim. I must have been about 5 or 6 years old, and I was in full panic. No one could hear me scream because I was too busy taking deep breaths on the few occasions that my head popped above the water. I looked back up the banks and there were two men leaning back in their chairs looking back at me. I went under again. I bobbed back up. They were still there, smiling at me. I tried to say help, but they just smiled.
I went under again. My arms and feet were in full flail. I was unable to coordinate my movements to make any progress. Finally, the surface and another breath. I went under again. I bobbed back up with my body bouncing from the wild movements of my limbs. I went under one more time and could barely see the smiling faces of the men through the cool clear water. They were still staring at me. I was too busy moving and bobbing to think anything dreadful. I was just trying to breathe, but I do remember a hot angry feeling warming me as I watched their apathetic smiles. I was sinking and flailing and sinking. Then, miraculously to me, one of my feet struck the shelf. I was able to gain just enough traction to get my hands close enough to the bank to find an exposed root of that tree. I pulled and brought my face out of the water long enough to gasp and breathe. I looked up. The men were still there laughing now instead of smiling.
At that time time I had no idea what to do. I had no words to share with the men who enjoyed my show so thoroughly. I was anxious to get away from the falls. I wanted to be away from the laughing and smiling. As I think back I think I know what would have happened if I would have been as knowledgeable as I am now. I wouldn't have said anything, but I think I have a few gestures that I would have shared with them.
I realized recently that there was something very spiritual about that little event. If you would have seen that little show for yourself many years ago you would have probably thought about how nicely I controlled myself in a stressful situation. You may have thought that I was embarrassed and you may have even felt sorry for me, but you would have missed the point.
I was angry and I would have if I could have. I think many times we think that when we are young we are innocent, that we don't know enough to make a mess of things, but I really believe that this is a wrong perspective. when we are young we aren't innocent. We still have the feelings and attitudes that can make us despicable as adults. Just because we are young does not mean that we are innocent. It just means that we are unarmed.