I attended a memorial service for a family member recently. It was not a sad experience for me because I was aware of the person's suffering and therefore their newfound freedom. This did not, however, keep me from being somewhat cynical.
The service was wonderful. All of the friends and family that were present commented on how they thought the service was beautiful and moving. I suppose it was, but I had a hard time not noticing some other things that reminded me of the story of Lazarus. You see, I learned from Rob Bell, I think it was him, that it was normal culture for the time to hire professional mourners. They were to accompany you in your grief by sobbing and crying for your loss. I suppose they were paid.
I also remember how after this event Mary anointed Jesus with some sort of perfume that was very expensive. I have heard some say that this was a perfume that was used in burials and I have heard others say that it was used by prostitutes. I am assuming here it was for burials.
I guess that the place for the burial was expensive as well. How long do you think it would take to chisel a cave out of solid rock? How many people would it take to seal up the tomb with a giant rock.
All of that is to say that I suppose that expense and acting have always been a part of how the living deal with death. In our case the service was held in a beautiful room that had exposed beams in the ceiling that were covered in a plywood veneer. The plates that held the beams together were not thick cast iron. Instead, they were paper thin copper sheets with bolt heads screwed on to the sheet. It took me quite a while to determine that the bolts were not actually going all the way through the beams.
Faux curtains were painted between posts made out of decorative one by lumber. A truly astounding rendition of Amazing Grace was played through loudspeakers in the cieling. The staff of the funeral home were very helpful and they constantly maintained a pleasant comforting smile that must have taken a while to perfect.
After attending this event, I have made some decisions. I have decided that I will be cremated when I die. I will not have any music at my memorial service unless it is sung or performed by someone I know. If there is no one who knows me that feels comfortable saying any kind words about me then please don't hire someone to do it. Instead just get together and talk.
This may sound like I am very upset with this funeral home. I am not. It is just that I never really understood what you pay for at these places. You are paying for a peaceful image. You are paying for professional guidance, and you are paying for someone to smile and comfort you. You are paying to have someone help you grieve and in many cases you are paying to get rid of guilt you may feel for not loving the deceased more while they were here.
When I pass from this life into the next I want those who love me to honor me with pleasant memories and genuine smiles. If you really need to pay someone to comfort you with a smile, go ahead, but make sure you get your money's worth.
6 comments:
I too have decided to be cremated, partly because of the expense of burial, and partly because of the waste. I, however, would like there to be a “Tim Miller Memorial Concert” in place of a service or a message brought by a preacher. I would love for friends (and possibly former young people) to actually perform at the concert, as well as one celebrity, just to make people wonder if I, in fact, knew celebrities. And I would like somebody to close with “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Simply Red.
I’m actually (seriously) working on a song list. So far it includes Calling Out Your Name and Great Is Thy Faithfulness. Do you think Stairway To Heaven is too obvious?
So Tim, who would play this music? Would you just have it piped in over a set of JBLs at some outdoor venue?
Seriously, I don't know if Led Zeppelin would be available.
Maybe I should have a pre-service showing of Weekend at Bernie's. You know just to get the mood set.
Hahaha. Weekend at Bernie's is definately a good touch.
I can't know the specifics of who will actually play at my funeral, because I don't know who I'm going to outlive. For instance, while Jeff is one of my favorite musicians (especially among friends) I'm hoping to looooooong outlive him.
Why do you ask? Are you wanting to apply? I'm afraid I'll need you to submit some sort of demo for that to happen. And btw, I'm also hoping to looooong outlive you.
You will probably outlive me by a long margin. I am middle aged, pudgy and under a lot of stress.
That is an unhealthy combination. If I was going to perform at your funeral it would either have to be a lesson I could teach or a chicken coop that I would build while everyone watched.
I doubt either one of these would do anything to bring comfort to those who love you.
The chicken coop is an interesting idea. Maybe you could build it while John Gorka's The Sentinel played in the background. People would understand. : )
I don't know if everyone would understand but I certainly smell where your steppin'. I suppose I could be offended if I didn't like that song.
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